The end of the year is such a natural time for reflection, and as 2018 comes to a close I’m finding it almost impossible to not think about this past year. I’m thinking about where I was exactly a year ago, what’s happened since then and the depths and heights along the way.
I love that the whole idea to build this garden (by Jennie Butchart) was to take something used-up and ugly and make it beautiful. Her husband had a cement company and had dug out a big hole to get all the limestone to make the cement. Jennie thought they should make the old limestone quarry into a beautiful sunken garden.
When you get cluster headaches for Christmas this is what Santa’s sleigh looks like: a medical truck showing up at your door delivering oxygen tanks so you can go into the darkness of night armed for battle. These beasts are back and surprised me this time by coming at a different time of year than normal. They started five days before Christmas. So here we go… They usually last a little over three months so I plan on about 100 days. 100 days of terrifying pain. Cluster headaches are also called suicide headaches. It’s not a migraine, google it for 5 minutes and read. I’m giving this PSA so that if you see me at the grocery, I’m not giving you the stink eye, I’m just trying to get food and get out as fast as I can and keep one eye closed. If we are supposed to get together, I probably won’t show up. If my kid is supposed to come to your kid’s birthday party, you might want to remind me about 37 times. If I see you at church and walk away, I’m just trying to get to the car before I bawl my eyes out. Please don’t take any of it personally, I’m just taking it all one day at a time sweet Jesus.
This year at Thanksgiving my husband asked us all to bring a quote, a poem, a song, a verse or something else we've read that makes us thankful or hopeful for the future. We all went around the table after dinner and shared our thoughts. I shared a song I’ve loved for a long time. It is the song Enough by Sara Groves. My family and friends have heard me talk about it way too much. I’ve even had the word “enough” engraved on a necklace.
We are in the middle of an almost complete renovation of our 1959 home. When we came to look at the house for the first time, we weren’t actually thinking of moving. But a lot of things came together and shortly after we walked through the front door, we both had the feeling that we were supposed to live here. We knew it meant leaving our “already done” house and taking on a huge project and a huge inconvenience. But it just felt like we were meant to be here.
I've had some form of this migraine/cluster crap for sixteen years now and I've always managed to have some underlying faith that God is really on my side in all of it. That it's all for some kind of good. This is not a waste. Believe me, I know ALL of the "God knows what he's doing" verses. But something happened this time and it's like my faith and I were walking along the path and all of a sudden I looked and the faith part just fell of the side of a cliff. Gone. Completely gone.
I just laid there looking at the clock, knowing what was coming. And like clockwork around 2:45am it came, the ice pick in the right eye… and I lost it. Literally lost it. I finally told my husband what I had feared all week was really happening. It was happening again. It was a cluster. A total cluster. I then proceeded to cry my eyes out and yell. I know I was laying on the ground at one point and there might have been some throwing of the kitchen piles, or maybe that was a different day. There was some swear-yelling. And there was definitely some swear-yelling at God.