I've had some form of this migraine/cluster crap for sixteen years now and I've always managed to have some underlying faith that God is really on my side in all of it. That it's all for some kind of good. This is not a waste. Believe me, I know ALL of the "God knows what he's doing" verses. But something happened this time and it's like my faith and I were walking along the path and all of a sudden I looked and the faith part just fell of the side of a cliff. Gone. Completely gone.
I just laid there looking at the clock, knowing what was coming. And like clockwork around 2:45am it came, the ice pick in the right eye… and I lost it. Literally lost it. I finally told my husband what I had feared all week was really happening. It was happening again. It was a cluster. A total cluster. I then proceeded to cry my eyes out and yell. I know I was laying on the ground at one point and there might have been some throwing of the kitchen piles, or maybe that was a different day. There was some swear-yelling. And there was definitely some swear-yelling at God.
I have always loved this line from Gungor's song, Beautiful Things. It runs through my head this time of year over and over. I see a little tulip or daffodil fighting its way up through the soil, and I say to myself, "There it is, springing up. Out of the dirt and the dust and the crusty, old ground. Fighting to be beautiful."